No, YOU listen.

I quit my job today, mostly out of defiance, but partially because I've felt lately that I'm not quite all I'm chalked up to be. I'm only a percentage below 100 of what I feel like I am, but I'm allowing all kinds of silly things to hold me back and stifle me. These are things that I don't even really care about. I'm just an old clock, tick tock, tick tock.

I quit to pursue whatever it is that I'm dreaming about. I know I'm not a 9-5er. I know I'm not a part-timer. I know I'm not a check signer. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I'm strapping on the blindfold and, arms out, moving forward.

Is it silly?

I know I'm absolutely smothering him. I know I'm suffocating him with concern and health, which isn't right. People are allowed to live their own lives as they wish... But there's certainly a threshold between overbearing and questioning.

I wonder if it's natural for men to find common ground with high school girls and young college freshman. I have to wonder if the man I'm with is really allowing himself the best treatment in life when the goals are "be social" and "have a good time". What happened to personal growth? Intellectual stimulation? Can't they be intertwined? Similar? Near one another?

After the move, it'll change, I know. I need to live my life as if I were single - not let a relationship rule me. I don't envision a breakup, but I definitely envision a revival.

No doubt, it seems to get deeper.

I've become something that I've dreaded forever, but I think it's just because I never knew what part of the puzzle it fit in. My thoughts have become long, run-on ideas that fuse into each other and end up an amoeba of words, evolving only over excruciatingly long periods of time.

I've lost touch with people I love, and started loving people I really ought to lose touch with.

Every time my right arm hurts, I wonder if I'll die soon. I don't want to, per se, but then again I don't really know for sure.

I'm about to move away, across the country. What am I supposed to do there? I'm only moving away to move away. I don't really care where when it comes down to it. I think I could move anywhere and feel alright, as long as it was far enough away from everyone.

Sometimes I wish I owned a sword, and played lots of table top games. If for no other reason than to prove to myself that I still have an imagination.

Adult socialization seems to suck the color out of me. Maybe everyone. It takes the happy little trees that Bob Ross painted in my head and turns them into 2-dimensional strategic blobs of paint.

Maybe it'll come back once I'm uncomfortable enough to drive myself crazy. Kind of like I was back in 2005, when I didn't care who saw me, or where. I just cared that I was there.

Picking flowers from the ceiling.

I miss being the slightly offputting, female harpsichord of a girl.

I once read books, I once sat and smoked for hours thinking of a single item of worth and why it was or wasn't something else. I miss hovering over the blackest cave of coffee I could find and wasting the hours away while the rest of the city slept, lighting little fires with pages of Camus and dreaming of filthy Paris.



Cobblestones and footbridges.
That feeling inside your stomach that tells you something is so beautifully wrong.
Thinking... I wish [space] was here.
Smoking out windows of lofty buildings, and hands on legs feet off beds.

I miss being that empty ashtray, waiting for others to share their charred addictions.

I miss being a bashful disarray of consciousness.

I miss that place.

Trashy?

So this whole homeless/thrift/not-so-new trend is really starting to annoy me. A lot.

Let's buy clothes that LOOK like they're old and crappy. Let's all look like we're broke. Let's all be pennyless and "hot?". OR... Let's ACTUALLY buy oversized shirts and belts from the 1980's and we'll rock the "not so fashionable" look so hard it'll be irresistable.

Wow, so sexy. Did I neglect to notify you that I have no job, no fashion sense, and no concept of time? Oh. Please look at my tunic and tights with these badass peep-toe NON-heels for reference to the fact that I can't dress myself.

Thank you.

More blue than green.

I wouldn't say I was jealous... I'd just say I was... Disheartened. If that's what they were looking for, then I'm definitely not in the right ballpark for this league. I mean, if you JUST decided that you didn't want little young things, don't go hydro-ballin' through the playground, you know what I mean? Recipe for disaster. And dramas.

We don't want no drama. No, no drama. No, no, no, no drama.


Regardless, I still love you.

Smells like Chicago after the rain.

So I picked the school. I have a light at the end of my tunnel. I suppose this is that part I always forgot - when you actually walk towards your goals. How exciting! It's like watching from a third person point of view. Now connect A to B... Good. Now hold B and move A forward. Good. Now move B past A. Good. Now you're moving forward.